Today, I will share with you one true, absolutely epic story.
Just the other day a friend brought up the topic of marriage.
See, the topic would have been just fine… if she hadn’t been so ultra-idealistic about it.
Nooooooooooooo. She just had to dump the whole fluffy bunnies, rainbows and butterflies, sugar and spice, sweets and chocolates, azure blue oceans and clear skies, life-is-so-perfect, “What A Wonderful World” batshit on my ass, managing it all in less than 5 minutes flat.
(Please pick a phrase: ’supernatural’, or ‘typical female’. You may use either one to describe her mutant powers, depending on how sexist you would like to come off sounding. )
(Note: No offense meant to Louis Armstrong.)
Then, she asked me for my opinion.
… Heh.
The Conversation
I chimed in, “Well, I’m not against the idea of marriage.”
“Great,” she replied.
“… But if I ever find myself about to be shackled by one, I’m going to at least have my body tattooed and painted beforehand, with legal documents, ordinance mantras, cursed statutes, holy judgments and magic seals so powerful they could even seal up Nine-Tails’ chakra. And, if it would be absolutely necessary for me to pull off awesome ninjitsu summoning powers and shit, I’d summon Johnnie Cochran instead of huge-ass giant frogs or snakes or slugs. He’d definitely be of use to me, comparatively speaking.”
She looked at me, amused. With one eyebrow raised.
“… Right, Zafran.”
I continued. “As always. And, I’m also going to make sure that I would have an assload of other contracts at arm’s length, covering all of the ancillary matters. You know — prenuptial agreements, asset declarations, all that jazz. All so microscopic in detail it’d make Malaysian politicians cringe if they were to be held that accountable.”
She looked at me, mortified. “But Zafran, that’s like… quantifying love!”
“… Plus, at least 20 witnesses for the registration process. The whole thing will be televised, and encoded in MP3 format, then down-sampled so that I can easily upload it to Creative Commons for the whole world to see, and testify as witnesses to, for that time when the Gates of Hell lets loose a woman’s fury. And oh, what the hell. Since I’m at it, I might even fill out child custody forms in advance too. Just in case.”
“And, pray tell, who would ever marry you should you continue being this anal?”
“Myself, of course. I’d be honoured to. Anyway, if my future chick doesn’t want to marry me because of ‘love transcends all’ issues, I’ll just go find some other chick-lah. Senang kan? (Simple right?)”
“No way.”
“Yes way. If you enjoy being sucked clean and dry — I mean that financially, by the way — and have everything you own split into two just because the other party had some RM6,000 contribution in a RM400,000 higher-purchase agreement, then feel free to be my guest and jump into marriage and be made love to by human leeches.”
“And you’re suggesting that…-”
“Oh, sorry dear. I forget that you’re a woman sometimes.”
“Right. And how would your future wife ever talk to you?”
“Through my accountant, of course. Psychic mediums are fine by me too.”
“Uh-huh. Just how are you going to convince her parents to take you up then?”
“I dunno. How the hell would I know? Thank God for my Family Law studies. It’ll be me versus centuries-worth-of-Malaysian tradition. Like a skinny guy against a sumo wrestler. Fun stuff. And you haven’t heard the other stuff too, have you.”
“… What other stuff?”
His Lordship Returns
Sorry, can’t talk about the ‘other stuff’. Suffice to say that it’s offensive, so I won’t be writing about it.
Anyway, the only reason this post came about is because His Lordship, The Malay Male, made His Return a while ago, and posted something related to this just recently. And I just couldn’t resist from sharing my insignificant and biased thoughts as well.
So, yes, go and read ‘Semusim di Syurga: Proses Memelayukan Diri‘.
(Warning: The blog post is in Malay, and depending on your sensitivity level, can come across as being very, very offensive, or ten times that. But it’s sharp, realistic, and totally balls-to-the-walls, which is why it should warrant at least one reading from you.)